Sticks & Stones
Words that wound are not always the obvious ones. Consider my pet peeve: `shy'
Over the first three years of my twin children’s lives, I blogged extensively for the Chicago Parent website.
One of those pieces centered on my disdain for “shy”1 as a word to characterize children, particularly my own. In the August 2010 issue of Broward Family Life, a parenting publication in Florida, it was published as the magazine’s “Family Guy” column.
Editors aptly fashioned this headline: “Sticks and Stones: Words That Wound Are Not Always the Obvious Ones.” The odds that you have already read this piece is roughly 1 in 42,029, so I am posting it here, below the image of the page on which it appeared 13 years ago2:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Of all the schoolyard lies I heard while growing up, this one about hurled objects and hurled words may have been the biggest.
That's because, as I've learned since moving on from South River Grade School, words have the potential to inflict immense damage.
How many real-life actual bloody wars have begun with a war of words? How many family rifts can be traced to something spoken rashly and wrongly? Granted, actions do speak louder than words. And actions obviously play a major role in history, both globally and in our own minuscule corners of the world.
But before becoming a father I learned enough about words to respect the power they wield – for good and for ill – when they flow from my lips to my children's ears.
Does this make me a superstar in this category? Not by a long shot. More than anything it makes me acutely aware of how often and how badly I fall short of the mark in this area. Just ask any neighbors who have heard me try to shepherd Zach and Maggie Rose up and down the flights of stairs to our condo3.
We don't have space here for all the ways I screw up. Instead let's dwell on the word that I have succeeded in never speaking over my children: shy.
Though it's only three letters long, I consider it a dishonorable member of the four-letter word club. I realize this may strike you as a tad strong. You may wonder what's wrong with saying, “He's a little shy today” or “What a cutie! She's just a shy girl around strangers”?
But when I hear other parents label their children in this way, I cringe. They mean well and I suspect they believe they are simply speaking a harmless truth or even trying to smooth an awkward moment. But in those comments, they would never think of substituting “stupid” or “ugly” for “shy,” right? Well, I put “shy” under the same harsh heading.
Words are seeds and when repeated enough times -- sometimes even just once could do the trick -- they have this way of taking root and setting up residence in an individual's long-term view of himself or herself. And think about it: in what area of life is it an advantage to be shy?
Fittingly, the Wikipedia definition of shyness anticipates its usage in the context of children: "Shyness may fade with time...A child who is shy toward strangers, for instance, may eventually lose this trait when older and more socially adept..."
But attaching such a label to a child has a way of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. It doesn't make things easier or more comfortable. It actually extends the discomfort. So next time you hear the “s” word, whether you're the stranger or the parent or whatever your role, I urge you to respectfully disagree.
Anytime someone has inadvertently hit this hot button of mine, I reply along these lines: “Actually, s/he's very outgoing. S/he's just being reserved at the moment." Then, with God's grace4, I leave out the expletive that's just waiting to spring forth from my mouth.
I showed considerably less poise at least once, about six months ago, when one of the kids’ great-aunts was visiting. After she referred to one of the kids as shy, I snapped, “That's a four-letter word in our household. Zach and Maggie Rose are not shy."
Good thing I didn't have any sticks or stones in my possession.
If you have enjoyed reading this and any other installments of The Inside Edge, please consider clicking on the “like” button, leaving a comment or sharing this with others who might also enjoy it.
As Susan Cain has so eloquently noted, “shyness and introversion are not the same thing. Shyness is the fear of negative judgment, and introversion is a preference for quiet, minimally stimulating environments.” For further insights by Cain, whose mission is to “unlock the power of introverts for the benefit of us all,” check out https://quietrev.com/are-you-shy-introverted-both-or-neither-and-why-does-it-matter/
I have made minor editing tweaks to my original column. I mean, it’s been nearly 13 years — I’d like to think that my writing as a 41-year-old pup had room for improvement.
This was “apartment” in my column. I haven’t resided in an apartment since 1994, but apparently an editor knew better than me :-).
From James 1:19 — “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” So wise, so good and, yes, so much easier said than done.